Battle on the High Seas...or my first job interview as a pirate

Ahoy, me hearties! 'Tis only my third-ish day as a pirate, but today I was forced at even this early stage into an epic battle with the most feared of vile enemies: The Man.

I went to a job interview.

Oh, it was a beauty of a battle. Cannons were fired, insults were exchanged, and prisoners were forced to walk the plank. Well, at least it was a fearsome battle in my mind. To regular onlookers, it looked like any standard, run-of-the-mill job interview, which is really a shame for them, because they missed quite a show.

Here are some highlights:

When I brought my vehicle/ship up broadside and boarded the enemy vessel I was told my parking would be validated. Yar, that pleased Sinister-Boots heartily, as now she would not have to vex herself by forcing such validation at cutlass-point.

The interviewers asked me if I liked working as a team and why, and if I would be willing to work in this kind of environment. Sinister-Boots growled "Here's teamwork for ye," knocked their heads together like coconuts, and drank a long draught from her boot flask while they lay unconscious on the table before her.

When the douchebag regional manager fired rapid nonsensical questions at me, all the while refusing to look me in the eye, Sinister-Boots jumped onto the table yelling "Belay, you scum-sucking bilge rat! If ye cannot look me beauty in the eye, by gar' I'll take it from ye!" She then trussed the vile "manager" up and made him walk the plank out of the fourth-floor conference room window.

The interviewers asked me to describe a time in my life when I had reached a difficult sales goal. Sinister-Boots answered "well, there was the one time we were about to set sail and my mates turned mutinous and killed the bo'sun. I had urgent need for a replacement, so I had my crew kidnap the next villain we laid eyes on and force him into service at gunpoint." The interviewers were duly impressed with such a fine answer, and with the loquacity of the speech.

When the interview was over Sinister-Boots politely said "Oh, is that it? Well thank you so much for this opportunity! I really enjoyed...AAAAARRRRRR!" With that, her crew mates swarmed in the very same windows armed to the teeth, as a cannon blast ripped into the opposite wall, smashing the odious whiteboard into smithereens. The interviewers were forced at pistol-point to offer Sinister-Boots the job, to which she heartily replied, "I work for no Man, ye scurvy dogs!" They were then forced to join the crew.

So all in all, a fine and productive battle/job interview it was! Men were killed and criminals were created. Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed expanded her crew and taught The Man who was the real boss of the high seas was.

In other real-life words, I conducted myself cheerfully and answered all their questions earnestly. I even lied about being a "team player," as we all must do at all job interviews, no?

Well, at least the lying was piratey.

Until next time, mateys! Wish me luck!