"To be a man or woman of adventure and courage; to be truly ALIVE, to know what fear tastes like and to swallow it-sharp pointy bits and all-this is what it is to have pirattitude."

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Don't Stop Believin'

Yar mateys! This post comes to ye courtesy of shipmates Furiously Fabulous Pistol-Pumps and Cutlass Colie, the Saucy Subduer. The lasses got on me case for not giving them entertainment on a more reg'lar basis (demanding pirates that they be), and I vowed on me grandparents' watery graves to give 'em what they crave. Which is, of course, more of Sinister-Boots' tales of mayhem and piracy!

Admittedly, this pirate feels a wee bit o' shame that this partic'lar piratical post is going up a week after the actual event. But I've been out wenching, as usual, so I know ye'll forgive ol' Sinister-Boots and be happy that her love life is sailing right along.

Last Sunday I had to call upon all my piratical courage and sauciness. Ye may ask "why be that so, oh well-endowed one?" Well, I'll tell ye. I went on me first acting audition.

It took guts and a certain level of empty-headedness to sign up for this audition in the first place, because the mad-dog directors were callin' for a monologue. Now, I've only done one monologue in me entire life, and it was never exactly polished. I almost used this as an excuse to not go for the audition. But then a voice roared up inside of me asking "are ye or are ye NOT a dastardly pirate, who could strut and swashbuckle across a stage with the best of 'em? Ye ARE, and ye'll call for the audition, or turn tail in shame for not having lived yer life all the way to what it could be!"

So I made the call right then and there. So what if I never formally studied "how to approach, work, and perform a monologue?" I had a month to work up the monologue to the best of my abilities, which are considerable, being a talented pirate wench.

Arr, mateys, I worked hard and long at that monologue. It would have made a right fine musical montage, perhaps with Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" playing in the background. And it would have ended with me a two-hours' sail away from my hometown, standing on a stage, lit from above by a spotlight, fist raised in triumph as I portrayed the Queen of England sending a rogue scoundrel from her sight.

In short, 'twas a fine audition, with a callback, and it doesn't even matter if they say yea or nay to my fine arse (but they'd be fools to say nay to such a well-endowed collection of talents). What is important (swell the sappy music, please) is that in excellent pirate fashion I charged full ahead towards something I wanted even though I was scared and not as "prepared" as I usually am for these things. But all my schooling and preparation has thus far gotten me nowhere, so it was time to try a new tactic.

A pirate tactic.

Well that's about it for this piratical post. And cross my heart and hope to die, lassies, but I swear upon me jolly roger to keep ye entertained on a more frequent basis.

Oh, and a word about the wenching...one involved gentleman (and a fine gentleman he be) has boarded me facebook page and now has access to these notes. So although my wenching exploits would be oh-so-appropriate for these pirate pages, they'll have to be kept below decks for now.

And if ye see this, you fine gentleman you, all I've got to say is "shiver me timbers!" You know what I mean.

Friday, February 4, 2011

A Pirate's Guide to Dating

Ahoy and avast, lubbers all! 'Tis been a while since my last post, but a pirate never apologizes. I've been busy wenchin' and collectin' stories for ye fine lads and lasses, so clap yer traps and stop complainin'!

Oh I am just too tired for the pirate talk today. Let's continue in landlubber English.

Now, you know the quote at the top of this blog, right? It states that Pirattitute is "to know what fear tastes like and to swallow it-sharp pointy bits and all." I've lately been attacking and trying to swallow one particular pointy bit, and that bit is the dating world. Maybe a little background is necessary...

I haven't dated since I was 20 and I met my husband. In fact, I didn't date much before that even, because we were in college and a date in college consists mostly of hanging out with and eventually making out in the midst of a large group that is usually participating in some sort of drinking activity.

When January hit and I decided to be a pirate I also decided that I needed to MOVE ON and away from my failed marriage. And as a lusty pirate wench, what better way to move on than to find one or several men to bed? So as a means to this end, I joined match.com.

I was unprepared for the eager attack that was launched upon me by seemingly all the single men within a 50-mile radius. I knew immediately that I was going to have to gather up all my pirate wits to decide which attackers to fend off and which to let onto the ship, as it were.

Some poor souls were sorely under-armed for their attack. Those who emailed me with awful pick-up lines and poorly-spelled, non-punctuated-or-capitalized requests to meet were instantly given fisticuffs and sent back into the water. Others made it through my first defenses only to later prove themselves woefully inadequate.

In order to hack my way through this mess, I have had to rely heavily on my fledgeling Pirattitude. It hasn't been easy, mateys. It's hard not to revert back to being the nice (yuck), undemanding (seriously?), understanding (read: doormat) woman that I was before I became a pirate. I feel like a bitch a lot of the time.
But a pirate wouldn't care about being called a bitch. She would laugh and then wash the seeming insult down with rum drunk out of an unsuccessful paramour's skull. And so bitch I've been, and bitch I will stay, even if it feels uncomfortable sometimes.

A few stories on this subject:

There was the gentleman who made it through my first defenses and wanted to meet in the town where he lived. Now, I did not realize how far away this town was from me until about an hour before we were slated to meet (my pirate bad). I did not want to drive all the way out there in the dark. Luckily, Sinister-Boots roared up within me and demanded that if he wanted to meet me he could meet me in a town that was closer to me and halfway between us. The gentleman, being intelligent, relented. AND he thanked me for making him meet me. Yes, you heard right, he thanked me. Now THAT'S Pirattitude for you. Unfortunately he has since been tossed overboard for bad behavior. On to the next!

There was also the gentleman who initially seemed an ideal candidate for bedding. This gentleman is more malignant than the first, because ol' Sinister-Boots has since discovered that under his initial comely layer of philanthropy, love of travel, and love of learning lies an ugly layer of arrogance and pride. Mild-mannered Emily was, I must admit, befuddled at first and loathe to let go of her initial liking of the man. But Sinister-Boots has emerged and seen the vile bilge-rat for what he is. She puts up with no shenanigans! We've sent him to dance the hempen jig, and even worse, to live a life knowing he could have had Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed and now he never will. Arr, 'tis the most dire punishment of all!

At this point I feel I must mention that there have been some entertaining surprises along the way. For instance, such is the beauty and renown of Sinister-Boots that one love-crazed gentleman has invited her to accompany him through Italy. Unfortunately his acumen seems to be waning, and he may get keelhauled soon. Nevertheless, it happened, and it makes for a right satisfying story. And though you may beg and plead and cry for details, Sinister-Boots isn't going to reveal if any one of these lucky gentlemen has fought his way bravely through all the lines of fire and successfully plundered her treasure.

Even Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed keeps some secrets.

So it's been a wild adventure on the high seas of the internet dating world, and it's not over yet. Now Sinister-Boots will sail on to the next conquest and gather more stories for your entertainment.

Until then, drink heartily and dream lustily!