"To be a man or woman of adventure and courage; to be truly ALIVE, to know what fear tastes like and to swallow it-sharp pointy bits and all-this is what it is to have pirattitude."

Friday, February 4, 2011

A Pirate's Guide to Dating

Ahoy and avast, lubbers all! 'Tis been a while since my last post, but a pirate never apologizes. I've been busy wenchin' and collectin' stories for ye fine lads and lasses, so clap yer traps and stop complainin'!

Oh I am just too tired for the pirate talk today. Let's continue in landlubber English.

Now, you know the quote at the top of this blog, right? It states that Pirattitute is "to know what fear tastes like and to swallow it-sharp pointy bits and all." I've lately been attacking and trying to swallow one particular pointy bit, and that bit is the dating world. Maybe a little background is necessary...

I haven't dated since I was 20 and I met my husband. In fact, I didn't date much before that even, because we were in college and a date in college consists mostly of hanging out with and eventually making out in the midst of a large group that is usually participating in some sort of drinking activity.

When January hit and I decided to be a pirate I also decided that I needed to MOVE ON and away from my failed marriage. And as a lusty pirate wench, what better way to move on than to find one or several men to bed? So as a means to this end, I joined match.com.

I was unprepared for the eager attack that was launched upon me by seemingly all the single men within a 50-mile radius. I knew immediately that I was going to have to gather up all my pirate wits to decide which attackers to fend off and which to let onto the ship, as it were.

Some poor souls were sorely under-armed for their attack. Those who emailed me with awful pick-up lines and poorly-spelled, non-punctuated-or-capitalized requests to meet were instantly given fisticuffs and sent back into the water. Others made it through my first defenses only to later prove themselves woefully inadequate.

In order to hack my way through this mess, I have had to rely heavily on my fledgeling Pirattitude. It hasn't been easy, mateys. It's hard not to revert back to being the nice (yuck), undemanding (seriously?), understanding (read: doormat) woman that I was before I became a pirate. I feel like a bitch a lot of the time.
But a pirate wouldn't care about being called a bitch. She would laugh and then wash the seeming insult down with rum drunk out of an unsuccessful paramour's skull. And so bitch I've been, and bitch I will stay, even if it feels uncomfortable sometimes.

A few stories on this subject:

There was the gentleman who made it through my first defenses and wanted to meet in the town where he lived. Now, I did not realize how far away this town was from me until about an hour before we were slated to meet (my pirate bad). I did not want to drive all the way out there in the dark. Luckily, Sinister-Boots roared up within me and demanded that if he wanted to meet me he could meet me in a town that was closer to me and halfway between us. The gentleman, being intelligent, relented. AND he thanked me for making him meet me. Yes, you heard right, he thanked me. Now THAT'S Pirattitude for you. Unfortunately he has since been tossed overboard for bad behavior. On to the next!

There was also the gentleman who initially seemed an ideal candidate for bedding. This gentleman is more malignant than the first, because ol' Sinister-Boots has since discovered that under his initial comely layer of philanthropy, love of travel, and love of learning lies an ugly layer of arrogance and pride. Mild-mannered Emily was, I must admit, befuddled at first and loathe to let go of her initial liking of the man. But Sinister-Boots has emerged and seen the vile bilge-rat for what he is. She puts up with no shenanigans! We've sent him to dance the hempen jig, and even worse, to live a life knowing he could have had Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed and now he never will. Arr, 'tis the most dire punishment of all!

At this point I feel I must mention that there have been some entertaining surprises along the way. For instance, such is the beauty and renown of Sinister-Boots that one love-crazed gentleman has invited her to accompany him through Italy. Unfortunately his acumen seems to be waning, and he may get keelhauled soon. Nevertheless, it happened, and it makes for a right satisfying story. And though you may beg and plead and cry for details, Sinister-Boots isn't going to reveal if any one of these lucky gentlemen has fought his way bravely through all the lines of fire and successfully plundered her treasure.

Even Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed keeps some secrets.

So it's been a wild adventure on the high seas of the internet dating world, and it's not over yet. Now Sinister-Boots will sail on to the next conquest and gather more stories for your entertainment.

Until then, drink heartily and dream lustily!

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