"To be a man or woman of adventure and courage; to be truly ALIVE, to know what fear tastes like and to swallow it-sharp pointy bits and all-this is what it is to have pirattitude."

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Diary of a Marooning

Cap'n's Log, Month o'th'Lion, 29th day o' th' Moon:

It has come to my attention that yonder fine gent'leman just "isn't that into" ol' Sinister-Boots. Oh aye, he says he's busy workin' the mainsails day and night, and it does seem to be true. But the lad didn't mention this until I backed him into a corner and growled at him. I ask ye, if ye're truly mad about a woman and ye have to buckle down fer a few weeks, wouldn't ye tell her on yer own will, so as not to hurt her feelings and risk her findin' another fine lad to knock her sinister boots against? And if ye have to buckle down and ye like a lady, does it take too much out of yer day to send her a parrot to let her know ye're thinkin' about her whilst ye tie yer knots? Oh sure, he did once, but after that Sinister-Boots didn't get much 'cept an occasional parrot message, which is not the same thing as sending a parrot at all.

So now Cap'n Sinister-Boots, terror of the sea and capturer of many men's hearts, is left "feeling bad about herself." And what do we dread pirates do when other people make us feel feelings that we vaguely dislike?

We maroon them.

Luck'ly, we be approaching a small island in th' South Sea which 'pears to be a perfect place for a marooning. All hands have been briefed on marooning procedure, and we should hit th' island tomorrow.

Capn's Log, Month o'th'Lion, 30th day of the Moon

Yar, the deed is done. At the risk of leaving th' ship un-captained fer a bit and having the crew mutiny, I decided to do the marooning meself (luckily Mad-Dog Gunnels is both fierce and fiercly loyal). On the pretext of finding coconuts to finally build that coconut phone we've been talkin' about, the lubber rowed us to the island himself.

Mateys, I must confess, in the depths of me sinister-yet-still-fragile pirate heart, 'twas a hard thing to do. I kept rememberin' all the times when he was such a fine gentleman, and feeling like maybe I was making a harsh and rash decision. But luck'ly I collected me wits and remembered that a dread pirate has no need for sniveling mercy.

So without even collecting a goodbye seduction, when th' lad hopped eagerly out of the boat and headed fer the palms I aimed me pistol at him and immediately started rowing back meself (Sinister-Boots is nothing if not strong, and yes, I can row one-handed, if ye're makin calculations). By the time he realized what was happ'ning 'twas too late, and I was gone.

Cap'n's Log, Month o'th'Lion, 31st day of the Moon:

Not much activity on-board today. I would be mightily glad fer a distraction. I've never not enjoyed a marooning so much. Ol' Sinister-Boots feels weepishly sad and unsure that she made the right decision. But I am a pirate, and a pirate must make harsh decisions fer the greater good.

May the next matey be fair and fine and may he realize that he will find no better woman than Sinister-Boots, the Well-Endowed.

Until then, ye'll find me in th' grog bucket, and tonight's sing-along will consist of sad songs.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Beware...a Sinister Pirate Rant

YAAAAARRRRR! Why start this blog post with such a gutteral, growling rant, you may ask? It's because Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed has been a poor excuse for a pirate of late, me mateys! She's been locked up in the throes of love, or whatever ye may call the prolonged lusting of one matey for another particular matey.

And where has this gotten her? Why it's turned her into a sissified, whimpering bilge-rat of a wench. No ships have been stormed. No lusty, ale-fueled fights have been fought. No, instead we've all been singing "Your Song" and "The Nearness of You" at our sing-alongs, whilst making eyes at the moon and trailing our fingers in the sparkling water filled with the reflections of stars...

No more, I say! Your rash, ever-tipsy and ever-boisterous captain is back and better than ever. This weekend I will be storming the coast with Pistol Pumps, Blind Betts, and Cutlass Colie (aye, ye'll come lass, and no more talk of this sissy "date night" ye speak of!).

Copious amounts of spirits will be consumed. Many a man will be dealt with lustily. After all we are pirates, are we not?! We do not lie awake nights worrying about one man, when the sea is full of men who dream of pirate wenches such as we. Worrying is for the weak.

We will drink and carouse and do whatever we want and sleep soundly at nights. For we are pirates, and we make no apologies!


Oh, and it's been brought to my attention that the name of our vessel translates to something exceedingly sissy and lubber-ish. Well, it's already been painted on the bow in fancy and bombastic pirate letters, so 'tis too late. But Stormwatcher is in for a real keelhauling, or perhaps, if I keep on this tirade, a marooning even.

Arr, it's been a long time since we've had a good marooning...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Naming of the Ship

Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed is mightily displeased with ye lot of crew members and blog perusers! Not one scribblin or suggestion did she receive as to the name of our dastardly pirate vessel. Therefore I had to consult with our resident smarty-pants, Stormwatcher, and she, being fancy and foreign, came up with some Frenchy name that I quite like the sound of.

So the name of our good vessel be:

"Poule de la Mer"

Dunno what it means, but frankly it sounds pretty, and mayhap when other pirate vessels intent on attacking see our fancy-pants, confusing name they'll turn tail simply out of confusion.

(Cap'n of the other ship: I say bos'n, what are those strange words written across the back of yonder vessel that we are set to attack?
Bos'n: Dunno sir. Mebbe it's Devils'-talk. Mebbe it's a fairy-ship over there, and if'n we attack we'll get pulled on board and have to wander the seas forever...
Snooty Cap'n: Well for heavens' sake let's turn around and find another ship to attack! This one gives me the shivers. Is it time for tea yet?)

Yar, that cap'n be a sissy! But on to other pirate news. There be two more additions to the crew. Let's all welcome on board Blind Betts, the Terror of the Sea, along with her parrot, Sir Soggypants. Blind Betts be an excellent crafter, and her organized crafting nights will be a breath of fresh air for us pirates who sometimes get tired of board games and show tunes.

Dirty Eliza's job just got harder though, with the addition of Sir Soggypants. Yar, he lives up to his name, that one. Mayhap we're gonna need another deck-swabber.

As fer piraty deeds done over the past week, Sinister-Boots went to another audition that she was ill-prepared for (in her own mind, at least). The song was barely memorized, and I never thought I'd be tryin' out fer that dastardly and disco-era musical "Jesus Christ Superstar," but I thought "why the hell not," so I did it. And mateys, 'twas another fine audition. Haven't heard back from the dastardly directors, but it doesn't matter. I gave 'em my finest, and I can tell ye that I was a lot better than lots of the other sissy women tryin' out fer the same part.

Well I s'pose that be all I've got to report on this rainy day. Stay below-decks and dry, ye lubbers!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Introduction to The Crew...and mayhap a competition?

Ahoy and avast, me hearties! Life has been kind to Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed of late. The doubloons will soon be rolling in (well, a small amount of them, but doubloons nonetheless) on account of the start of a job, part-time though it be. But more importantly, she spent the entire day of the Lord with her fine gentleman, and yarr but he really sets her mainsail a-flutter.

The lad may be trouble. How can a fierce pirate wench be out...well...wenching if she's tied down to one fine, fine man? My crew and I will have to drink long and hard on this topic.

Speaking of the crew, I thought 'twould be entertaining to gather all the names up together and mayhap bring some organization to this surly bunch. So clean yer scurvy selves up and report above-deck!

First on the list of introductions is Mad-Dog Gunnels, the fiercest and loudest fighter the seas have seen in a long time. She's first on the list because if I didn't put her first she'd explode into a fearsome rage, and there's no tellin what mayhem could result. She also be me partner in blogging ridiculosity, so I owe her the position of first mate aboard this vessel of villany.

Mad-Dog is responsible for our Zombie-preparedness training. Now ye may think "what have zombies to do with pirates?" The answer, my friend, is: everything. 'Tis too much to go into further detail here, but mayhap we could someday get a missive from the madcap mind of Mad-Dog. At any rate, she be a fearsome and foul first mate, and I'm proud to sail the seas with her.

Mad-Dog's brave paramour be Squinty McGee. Ye don't hear much from the lad. He prefers to stay below-decks and out of the public eye. Squinty's in charge of board-games and wine selection for the crew. Yarr, if ye thought we didn't have a fully stocked wine cellar on this ship, ye thought wrong! And we do enjoy our game nights. Anyway, that's all we'll say about him, because that's the way he likes it.

Me next two staunchest supporters be Dirty Eliza and Tight-Shanks the Horny. They've been with the ship since the start, and Sinister-Boots appreciates their fierce loyalty. Yarr! Dirty Eliza be the detail-oriented sort, which is good because she's about the only one out of this drunken lot who is! She be responsible for the cleanliness and routine maintenance of the ship, but don't think that she actually does the ship's cleaning. 'Tis no job for a wench of her stature. Narr, that's what the monkey's for!

As far as Tight-Shanks' role on the ship...well...he doesn't actually do much. He mostly lolls about near the grog barrel. But once in a while his sweet-talkin' skills are invaluable fer getting us out of a scrape. Fer instance, if we don't feel like doing battle on a partic'lar day, Tight-Shanks the Horny flirts with all the members of the other ship and turns 'em right around with promises and sweet nothings. We owe him many a lazy Sunday, and are right glad to have his particular skills on board.

Next up is Rattlechains the Shipburner, a fearful pirate lass who has been known to make a man jump overboard just by givin' him the stink-eye. She be in charge of battle tactics (which mostly involve putting our knives in our teeth to appear more sinister) and organizes our popular and well-attended "Showtunes Sing-Alongs."

A story about Rattlechains: One time we were all havin' a raucous time of it, singin' "Memories" and "My Favorite Things", and just generally bein' quite merry. One poor visiting pirate had the gall to sing a fairly prominent note off-key, and Rattlechains flew into a rage and shot the lad dead. What a day that was! I still chuckle when I think on it.

But let's continue with the crew...Darkwater Duff be the next pirate in line. She be not so much fearsome as pleasantly jovial. She be the crew's chum cook, and a fine job she does of it. Her role really is one of the most important on the ship, because as long as she keeps the cookies comin' the crew remains non-mutinous, which is crucial for Sinister-Boots' well-being. Overall, she just really makes this ship a home. Darkwater Duff, we salute ye!

Furiously Fabulous Pistol-Pumps and Cutlass Colie, the Saucy Subduer are so fabulously fierce ye need sunglasses to look on' em. They generally travel as a pair, and their brazen beauty has reduced many a ship of brave pirates to babbling mush. We're lucky to have 'em on board, as they are in charge of one of the most important of the pirate arts: the art of dressing bombastically. They keep us all in coordinating silks and plumes, and Sinister-Boots has it on good authority that many a pirate ship bent on attacking has been so intimidated by the stupendous fashion sense exhibited by our pirates that they turn right around and find another ship to plunder.

Pistol-Pumps and Cutlass Colie are also in charge of dance parties, and indeed all themed parties in general. Yarr, there's nothing like an impromptu luau to keep the crew's spirits up!

Lastly we must mention Fancy-Pants Les and Stormwatcher the Brave. Fancy-Pants is half-addled and spends most of her time dancing around the ship to the accompaniment of nothing but the music in her head, but we're all fond of her and enjoy her antics. Stormwatcher is European and spends most of her time reading books and writing theorems. How she ever landed on our ship is a mystery, but she really classes up the place. Unfortunately we're all pretty intimidated by her, so she gets to spend battles below-decks unless she has a hankering for bloodsport, which she rarely does.

Yarr, that be the crew, and fine lads and lasses all they be! But I believe I mentioned a competition above, so here be the sport:

the game be to draw a picture of the ship and all of its shipmates. Whoever does the nicest drawing gets the privilege of namin' the ship! Send yer scribblins to my email or home address, and if ye can't find out either than yer on yer own, ye lubber.

If anyone else wants to join this crew of ruffians, announce yerself and prepare to be named badly and eternally by Sinister-Boots! Arr, we'll find a corner for ye, not to worry.

May the winds of March send ye speedily towards yer destiny! Yarrr!