Ahoy and avast, me hearties! Life has been kind to Sinister-Boots the Well-Endowed of late. The doubloons will soon be rolling in (well, a small amount of them, but doubloons nonetheless) on account of the start of a job, part-time though it be. But more importantly, she spent the entire day of the Lord with her fine gentleman, and yarr but he really sets her mainsail a-flutter.
The lad may be trouble. How can a fierce pirate wench be out...well...wenching if she's tied down to one fine, fine man? My crew and I will have to drink long and hard on this topic.
Speaking of the crew, I thought 'twould be entertaining to gather all the names up together and mayhap bring some organization to this surly bunch. So clean yer scurvy selves up and report above-deck!
First on the list of introductions is Mad-Dog Gunnels, the fiercest and loudest fighter the seas have seen in a long time. She's first on the list because if I didn't put her first she'd explode into a fearsome rage, and there's no tellin what mayhem could result. She also be me partner in blogging ridiculosity, so I owe her the position of first mate aboard this vessel of villany.
Mad-Dog is responsible for our Zombie-preparedness training. Now ye may think "what have zombies to do with pirates?" The answer, my friend, is: everything. 'Tis too much to go into further detail here, but mayhap we could someday get a missive from the madcap mind of Mad-Dog. At any rate, she be a fearsome and foul first mate, and I'm proud to sail the seas with her.
Mad-Dog's brave paramour be Squinty McGee. Ye don't hear much from the lad. He prefers to stay below-decks and out of the public eye. Squinty's in charge of board-games and wine selection for the crew. Yarr, if ye thought we didn't have a fully stocked wine cellar on this ship, ye thought wrong! And we do enjoy our game nights. Anyway, that's all we'll say about him, because that's the way he likes it.
Me next two staunchest supporters be Dirty Eliza and Tight-Shanks the Horny. They've been with the ship since the start, and Sinister-Boots appreciates their fierce loyalty. Yarr! Dirty Eliza be the detail-oriented sort, which is good because she's about the only one out of this drunken lot who is! She be responsible for the cleanliness and routine maintenance of the ship, but don't think that she actually does the ship's cleaning. 'Tis no job for a wench of her stature. Narr, that's what the monkey's for!
As far as Tight-Shanks' role on the ship...well...he doesn't actually do much. He mostly lolls about near the grog barrel. But once in a while his sweet-talkin' skills are invaluable fer getting us out of a scrape. Fer instance, if we don't feel like doing battle on a partic'lar day, Tight-Shanks the Horny flirts with all the members of the other ship and turns 'em right around with promises and sweet nothings. We owe him many a lazy Sunday, and are right glad to have his particular skills on board.
Next up is Rattlechains the Shipburner, a fearful pirate lass who has been known to make a man jump overboard just by givin' him the stink-eye. She be in charge of battle tactics (which mostly involve putting our knives in our teeth to appear more sinister) and organizes our popular and well-attended "Showtunes Sing-Alongs."
A story about Rattlechains: One time we were all havin' a raucous time of it, singin' "Memories" and "My Favorite Things", and just generally bein' quite merry. One poor visiting pirate had the gall to sing a fairly prominent note off-key, and Rattlechains flew into a rage and shot the lad dead. What a day that was! I still chuckle when I think on it.
But let's continue with the crew...Darkwater Duff be the next pirate in line. She be not so much fearsome as pleasantly jovial. She be the crew's chum cook, and a fine job she does of it. Her role really is one of the most important on the ship, because as long as she keeps the cookies comin' the crew remains non-mutinous, which is crucial for Sinister-Boots' well-being. Overall, she just really makes this ship a home. Darkwater Duff, we salute ye!
Furiously Fabulous Pistol-Pumps and Cutlass Colie, the Saucy Subduer are so fabulously fierce ye need sunglasses to look on' em. They generally travel as a pair, and their brazen beauty has reduced many a ship of brave pirates to babbling mush. We're lucky to have 'em on board, as they are in charge of one of the most important of the pirate arts: the art of dressing bombastically. They keep us all in coordinating silks and plumes, and Sinister-Boots has it on good authority that many a pirate ship bent on attacking has been so intimidated by the stupendous fashion sense exhibited by our pirates that they turn right around and find another ship to plunder.
Pistol-Pumps and Cutlass Colie are also in charge of dance parties, and indeed all themed parties in general. Yarr, there's nothing like an impromptu luau to keep the crew's spirits up!
Lastly we must mention Fancy-Pants Les and Stormwatcher the Brave. Fancy-Pants is half-addled and spends most of her time dancing around the ship to the accompaniment of nothing but the music in her head, but we're all fond of her and enjoy her antics. Stormwatcher is European and spends most of her time reading books and writing theorems. How she ever landed on our ship is a mystery, but she really classes up the place. Unfortunately we're all pretty intimidated by her, so she gets to spend battles below-decks unless she has a hankering for bloodsport, which she rarely does.
Yarr, that be the crew, and fine lads and lasses all they be! But I believe I mentioned a competition above, so here be the sport:
the game be to draw a picture of the ship and all of its shipmates. Whoever does the nicest drawing gets the privilege of namin' the ship! Send yer scribblins to my email or home address, and if ye can't find out either than yer on yer own, ye lubber.
If anyone else wants to join this crew of ruffians, announce yerself and prepare to be named badly and eternally by Sinister-Boots! Arr, we'll find a corner for ye, not to worry.
May the winds of March send ye speedily towards yer destiny! Yarrr!